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27 August 2016 @ 11:38 am
It's almost never worth it putting effort toward helping someone, how can I put this, not just with issues but with issues they bring up on themself? There's more to it than that and I will come back to this. It's impossible to HELP someone if they don't say/think/believe at least one of these:

- I have a problem.
- It's not okay to accept that this thing *only* distrupts myself once in a while when it gets out of hand.
- Something needs to change.
- Life is not livable so long as I go on like this.
- When things are great half the time, and really bad the other other... it's not healthy, nor okay.

Especially in cases of abuse and alcohoics. YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY HELP SOMEONE, no matter what you think you're doing for them, rescusing them, offering them a place to stay, giving them clothing or food, if they don't say/think/believe one of the statements above, then you are enabling them. You are teaching them you're a crutch; you will rescuse them for a time and give them their needs so they can rev up and go back to their toxin. 
21 August 2016 @ 10:10 pm
All I wanted to do was learn. I wanted an education. Of course my parents made me go to school, and it was required by law and stuff, but I got myself up, I got myself dress and ready, and I used my own breathe, brain, and legs to get there. I loved school. I loved my teachers, my friends, even the smell of the questionalable cafeteria food had a certain allure. The scene of greasy, burned tater tots as a sort of nasal anthem to the American education system, at least in my school, and many schools portrayed on tv and in movies. The echos of the gym, kids bouncing balls or throwing their voices. The sound of pages being turned as we all tear fresh pieces out of our journals ready for a new assighment, followed by the scratchings of penicils and pens against the paper. The excitment of bein the first to turn in a test, the anxiety of being the last.
I love it. I love school. I loved school.
So why is it when I was shot at school, the most popular topic of discussing wasn't me. It wasn't my injury.
It wasn't my death.
It wasn't my mother and father who have to bury their child.
It wasn't my, or all the others kids right to be safe while learning.
It wasn't about new legislation that could make a difference.
It was about their own fears. Their own nightmares. And the unthinkable--tougher restristions for people who intend to purchase firearms.
The symbolism of their freedom being taken away, by taking away the very thing that killed me.
The very thing that put a tiny hole in me.
And killed me.
Killed me  with a tiny hole, in a split second.
The symbolism of that thing that put a hole in me, and killed me, and took away my ability to ever smell the tater tots, or hear the gym, or take a test, ever again.
27 June 2016 @ 11:16 pm
Well, this turned into a huge rant. I've got an awful lot on my mind, obviously. Also I spent the day moving furniture by myself and just, thinking about how the world appears to be ending. And thinking about that thinking. And this is what I came up with... (what is it called when you sit down to write without anything ready? When you just.... GO! and write. Anyone? Cold writing?)
The worst thing about the world falling apart around you is that... it's really not. I've been down about how broken the broken system, how a guns value is more than a human life, and how ignorance seems to be fuel for thought on the internet. Like, I read Trump's response to UK's succession from the EU. Has a Trump supporter ever listened to him talk? Like, really listened and focused on the dynamics, symbolism, and logic? There is none. Everything he says is nonsense. The thought of him meeting with, oh say the Japanese prime minster is hilarious, but at the same time humiliating and painful because it's supposed to be representative of my country and the people in it. And things like that are devastating. And the fact that some people still refuse to vote is appalling. "Oh one person ain't shit blah blah blah". Ever heard of Gandhi? MLK? Jesus?! The *one person*s heard round the world! Short sighted farts! Anyway, as I was saying... what's interesting about the world falling about and all this blather is that it's not ALL bad. For instance D just informed me that Texas struck down abortion laws, which is huge news for women's health/lives. Australia hasn't had a mass shooting in 20 years. New research shows that the drug naltrexone shows potential to benefit cancer patients. So WHY IS MY FEED ALWAYS FLOODED WITH BAD SHIT? It's just been unnerving and dark, so I've filtered it, and also avoided scrolling regularly. I suppose my rant could be summed up with a few factors: 1. Hate speaks louder and more often than love. People that are full of anger or hate want others to know, misery loves company, join my Neo Nazi team, etc. It also makes for better ratings. And 2. Smart people generally avoid, oh idk let's say the comments section aka the cesspool of the internet. Because they know it's worthless in every conceivable way.
Another thing that gets to me is the people who are so deeply affected by what others say about them. I mean, when you step back and look at what is happening it's this:
1. A stranger sits down with device.
2. A stranger uses device to look at what you posted.
3. A stranger uses their finger to touch letters, creating words, that create sentences, that are mean.
4. Stranger clicks away and goes on with their day, probably using the bathroom, and probably telling others, by pressing letters that create words that create sentences, what they don't like about them.
5. A stranger hates them-self so much they have to distract their personal disdain for their own reflection by means of telling someone else they are ugly, or whatever rotten meaningless opinion it may be.
At this point I have no idea what this post is supposed to mean. I am and have always been an intense thinker. This my my FB post, where I can write anything I choo choo choose. I may re-post that stranger thing in a separate post sometime... I like that...
I guess I just wish more people could be more positive.
I wish more people would see the value in themselves.
I wish the narrow perspective created by negative views could be widened with knowledge of the world around you with endless possibilities... if only they could see beyond their own wall.
I wish others didn't feel they had to hurt to feel something.
I wish FB didn't suck the soul out of lives.

I miss writing. I used to write all the time, more than just my thoughts or feelings in a couple sentences. Now and then I enjoy telling stories, partly because of nostalgia, partly for an outlet, sometimes to help me remember or because a memory popped up, but mostly I just enjoy writing. It feels good, and I could use some practice, so here is a short, true story about random weirdness and dumb assery in my life...

The first time I broke down on the side of the road I was probably barely 18 driving my 94 Chevy Cavalier on a hotter than hell night, and in typical genius teenager fashion I ran out of gas driving home from DeWitt. This night also just so happened to be the one night in entire time of me having a phone, I forgot to bring it with me. I was on Waverly Rd and Willow; for those of you who don't know about the Lansing area, Willow is NOT the street you want your lone teenage daughter wandering.Anyway, so I started heading toward houses up Waverly a bit.

I approached a couple in front of what appeared to be a house party going on, asking a couple guys if I could use the phone. One of the dudes ignored me, smoking his cigarette with his nose up in the air like a posing model, and the other mumbled something like, "psshhh Iunno ma girl inside pissed and I ain't about to get into sheeit". I kindly thanked them and continued my journey.

I got as far as Hungry Howies on Saginaw, about a mile up the road, when a man in a convertible stopped beside me. He was a white dude, gigantic white hat tilted to the side, clothes so big they appeared to be melting off him, and of course dem chains. Anyway. I stood there in desperation, sweaty, red faced, sporting my grunge look of torn jeans and a Beavis and Butthead punks shirt, and OF FUCKING COURSE the guy looks at me from head to toe, then back again, and signals for me to get in as he cranked up the ac and handed me his phone. I called my mom, and she was on her way. He introduced himself as Mark, "Hi. I'm Rachel.". He bit his lip, looking up and down my body again and abruptly asked, er, demanded, LEMME GIVE YOU SOME DICK. Huh? What did you just? Before I could finish my thought, he drove 2 fast 2 furiously down the street and into the driveway of what he claimed to be his very nice, very large house. Nothing creepy or red flaggy at all about it. I was so tired, hot, and miserable, not quite in the mood for random road side sex, and it didn't even occur to me as to what could happen next. I became angry shutting down all thoughts and punched his dash while screaming "I'M A FUCKING VIRGIN TAKE ME TO MY CAR". Aiiiiight. So he drove me back to my car, and before I got out he put his head on my lap looking longingly up at me, "Come on Raaaaachel come onnnnnn". "Get off me, before I rip your tongue out with me teeth." He laughed nervously, sat up, and said aiiiiiiight. I got out. He left. Story over.

Come to think of it, another time my car broke down was in EL, and I ran into a guy I sort of knew, if you were an East Lansing or Pinball Pete's regular you may have known him. He was awkward, tall, skinny, pale, wore glasses and a cowboy hat everyone made fun of him for... John? He made like, chain-mail and leather armor and jewelry and shit. Anyway he took me to get jumper cables, which I didn't even ask for because I knew it was my alternator, not my battery, and when that failed he waited with me for the tow truck. As we
waited he so casually looked through his glove box in front of me, "here hold this"... it was a box of magnums. I'm not stupid, I know what you're trying to do. He also did the head in my lap thing while looking longingly up at me. Is this how every guy tries to bang the women they save from their broke down vehicles? I was much nicer to this guy though, seeing as I knew him and he didn't say stupid shit like LEMME GIVE YOU SOME DICK. Ugh.

11 May 2016 @ 04:12 am
I posted this before, and now that #maybehedoesnthityou is blowing up, I am posting it again.
ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT JUST PHYSICALLY HITTING. It is NOT OKAY to control someone! The only person that needs to make choices for you, is YOU. If you feel you need power over someone to feel better, YOU NEED HELP. If you feel it is okay for someone to hurt you, in any way, YOU ARE WRONG. No one has the right to hurt you. No one! And you deserve to be LOVED. If someone says they love you and they hurt you... they are lying.
If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, you're in an abusive relationship.
If they don't value your opinions or respect your feelings, you're in an abusive relationship.
If they insist you let them into your FB page your phone because of their trust issues, you're in an abusive relationship.
If they say you have to delete friends or forbid you to hang out with certain people, you're in an abusive relationship.
If they use personal information against you, you're in an abusive relationship.
If they criticize your looks in any way, you're in an abusive relationship.
If you feel stuck with them most of the time because you can't do better or because they tell you you can't do better, you're in an abusive relationship.
If you have to make excuses for ways they hurt your either physical or emotional, you're in an abusive relationship.
If you can't discuss relationships problems with them, you're in an abusive relationship.
If you are regularly subject to cursing, accusations, name calls, drawing attention to your past, manipulation, blackmail, or unreasonable demands, you're being abused.
If you find yourself questioning whether you are constantly wrong, you're in an abusive relationship.
Repeat, If someone says they love you and they hurt you... they are LYING. And that, even without a fist in front of it, is abuse.

29 March 2016 @ 02:04 pm

I recently made a friend, and found out he lost his wife not a year ago… broke my heart. It got me thinking…

Do you know why couples make a rule to not go to bed angry?

Because you never know…
Because accidents happen.
Because cancer takes our youth, with extreme low odds.
Because other people get angry and do worse things.
Because life is too short to have enemies.
Because negativity seeps in as you sleep, destroying you.
Because life is short.
Because regret.
Because you never know what will happen.

And because when you are angry, the anger speaks… not you.

And if your last words to someone are not your own, and they are hurtful or dishonest, you don’t get to take away that hurt, and you don’t get to correct the lie. You can never look into their eyes again and undo that pain.


Let your heart speak for you.
Choose kindness over anger.
Be stronger than temporary emotion.

And most of all… love.
Just love.

Now go and love some more.

20 October 2015 @ 03:29 am
1. You can't please everyone.
If someone is bullying you, complaining about you, or dissing you, do not make it your mission to try to convince that person to like you. This will only suck you deeper into that energy field and will make you energetically dependent on their opinion of you.
Not everyone is going to like you. Love yourself first and you will create a forcefield around other peoples opinions that will protect you from being so drained by their opinions.
You can't change everyone; don't make it your missiont o fix people.
2. 2) Be careful who you invite into your life
Your body, mind and direct environment is your temple. Who are you inviting in? Don't let them in when you have good intuition. In Brazil there is a slang word called folgado. The direct meaning is “loose” or “lazy” but it really means “freeloader”. There is not exact english equivalent though because it is a mentality even more than a lifestyle.
If you give a person a piece of bread one day, they will be asking for the loaf the next. If you let someone stay for a weekend, they will then try to stay the week (or two!). I once thought my wife was cold and mean spirited towards some of our neighbors. Once I realized she was merely respecting herself and her home, I valued her direction and adopted it as my own.
It is great to be generous but there is a fine line to work with so you are not being trampled on, thus disabling you from helping those who truly need it. Learn to say “no” and to be ok with that.

3) Stop paying attention
A parasite needs a host to survive. When you pay attention to somebody else, you are giving them energy.
Whatever you focus on grows and energy vampires will steal your thoughts – decreasing your energy levels. Some people will dump their energy onto you and then drive on to the next pit stop. A friendly ear can be a wonderful thing but there is, again, a line that does not need to be crossed.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself being the source for a person to relay their frustrations at work, a relationship or even successful accomplishments. All of these emotions can drain you in various ways and cause you to measure your own life in ways that are not productive.
Love yourself enough to tune them out, tell them to stop, or tell them you can’t handle it right now. It’s not mean of you to reject their toxic energy.

4) Breathe in nature
Go into nature, meditate, relax and breathe. Purify the water within yourself, exercise and float easy. Like a butterfly, float gently but move fast.
Breathing increases the bloodflow circulation around the body and will help prevent to absorb energy from those around you. A caterpillar eats everything around it and becomes fat, immobile. It must first become light in order to fly.

5) Take 100% responsibility for your thoughts and emotions
How you feel is 100% your own responsibility. The universe is sending people into your life to test us. The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception others have of us. You are not a victim, nobody has power over you.
Unless we take the time to look, we subconsciously affirm our own victimization to the world around us.
Once you hold yourself accountable and responsible for the way you choose to respond to something, you connect with yourself on a deeper level. When you are connected to yourself on a deeper level, you don’t get knocked off your center as easily.
Place yourself in situations that boost your own energies. Does this person make you feel good? Do you make that person feel good? You are worthy of a brilliant experience and it is time to realize that fact.
Learning to protect yourself against other people’s energies starts with self-love. Remember that you are worth of happiness and peace, it’s ok to say no. and you are the author of your own energetic state
29 August 2015 @ 09:05 pm
What it feels like, life after rape...

It was my fault.
I'm a slut.
But he was already a sex offender!
I shouldn't have drank that night.
He was my best friend... I should have given in sooner.
I am disgusting.
I'll never be the same.
I hate myself and my body.
I asked for it, wearing that little outfit.
I deserved to be hurt.

Today he sent an apology, as he is getting sober and getting his own life together.

He admitted he took advantage.
He admitted how fucked up and wrong he was.
I cried, thankful that I would never have to question myself again...
Then I stopped crying, wondering if somehow... it was still my fault.